Block. Delete. Unfollow - The Untold Story of The 21st Century

When it comes to our mental health, often the pleasure of social media is so meagre, its delight in its own conventions so forced and false, that it has become almost the perfect opposite to anything social.

In real life we generally don’t interact with people we don't like, or with those who make us feel negative or remind us of something painful, yet we probably have these people in our online social network. 

Getting back to basics, the fundamental idea behind social media was that the people we follow and be-friend online are expected to contribute something positive to our lives. Whether it’s a person you know and care about, or someone you find interesting and inspiring, our connections are by origin, supposed to be a welcome and uplifting addition to our day.

But arguably, as social media has progressed, it has transcended into something beyond our emotional capabilities. In many respects, it has surpassed our logic and emotional sanity; resulting in an ingrained social anxiety, and an ensuing generation of lost and unfulfilled souls looking for answers and validation online.

Largely, it’s down to a disconnection between how we behave in reality, and how we conduct ourselves virtually. For example, when we began to bench mark a large social media following as the pinnacle of success and popularity; we neglected to think about how this network would affect us in return.

The truth of the matter is that we spend WAYYYYYY too much time on social media for our interactions to be anything less than fanfuckingtastic. But, because we’re so digitally in touch with the people from our past and present, we have completely lost sight of a simplistic pre-requisite to happiness; the beauty of letting go of the things which no longer serve us.

As a natural extension of self, of course we’re going to be affected by our social media network, and as far as our emotional intelligence goes, I wonder how much of our thought processes are willfully our own these days?

We’re the equivalent of a social media sponge, and although it’s been around for quite some time now, there has yet to be any kind of emotional blueprint to guide us through the woes and throws of social media. Essentially, we’re left in a no-man’s land to wing it where we see fit. So, when it comes to the navigation of the digital realm, it’s every man, woman and child for themselves…

Frederick Buechner wrote “My story is important, not because it is mine, but because if I tell it anything like right, the chances are you will recognise that in many ways it is yours too.”

….an analogy which inspired this blog.

An obvious assertion is that, throughout our lives, we’re connected to people through relationships of circumstance. This includes the people we are thrown together with at school, university, work or even a mutual friendship; but these in-organic relationships do not mean that this person warrants a place in your head or heart, for countless digital years to come.

However, because we are primitively 'people pleasers' at heart, we exercise a ‘shut up’ and put up’ philosophy when it comes to redundant people in our social media network. It’s a lesser vocalised fact that some people just become obsolete to your happiness and growth. We naturally distance ourselves from these people in real life, so why do we make it weird online?

If you’re as foolish as me, for a long time you’ve probably found yourself mindlessly scrolling past people you can no longer relate to, and accounts which no longer contribute anything positive to your life…

But I know what you’re thinking, or more accurately feeling. It’s kind of like social suicide to cull your followers and ‘friends’. People take that shit seriously, because let’s face it, we all take social media very seriously…although some people are just too cool to admit it!

That’s because deep down, an unfollow isn’t just an unfollow. It’s a statement, and it makes people question themselves. In five seconds flat, it can escalate from a culling exercise to a complete atomic bomb, and a ‘personal beef’ with someone you probably barely see or talk to.

So I can understand the reluctance. The hesitation. It’s much simpler not to take action. There’s no awkwardness or weirdness, or altercations or strange tangible tension to concern yourself with. You just go on co-existing on an app with someone you probably have little to no mutual interaction with. Just an accepted and unfruitful ‘social’ co-habitation.

Buddha, the wise and curvaceous genius that he was, described this phenomenon long before Instagram stories were even a twinkle in the sky. He said the root of all suffering is attachment, and arguably, social media is the exact materialisation of just that.

It benefits almost no one to maintain online ties with an estranged friend or ex, and the network that goes with them. It’s a little bit like self-harm to continue to live in the shadow of a friendship or relationship’s former glory.

…But that’s exactly what it is. Former. Departed. Prior. It no longer exists in the context it once did, and as much as it may make you squirm, question your sanity and feel a little silly, when it comes to the stickler of a situation surrounding blocking, deleting and unfollowing people who no longer serve our emotional and mental health…why do we struggle to let them go?

At the heart of the matter, people either inspire you or drain you on social media. They either motivate you, make you laugh, or make you feel bad. And of the latter, it’s not fair to yourself to be held hostage to your past. We all change. Life changes. Circumstances change, and there's no preventing that. The only thing we can control is ourselves and our behaviour, and whether we choose to prolong a story which should have ended a few chapters ago.

People are no longer your memories of them. They’re something entirely new and unfamiliar. And it’s not a case that these people are bad, or have necessarily done something terrible. Sometimes they’re just a reminder of something you want to move on from or outgrown.

In case nobody has told you, digital escapism is the polar opposite. It’s an intensification of our biggest challenges and insecurities, and if you’re not cropping your social network to only be exposed to the best, brightest, kindest and most inspiring people you know, then you’re absorbing a lot of unnecessary negativity.

To ‘Block, Delete and Unfollow’ is empowering. It’s about regaining control and it’s a sign of strength and quite frankly maturity.

They say a self that goes on changing is a self that goes on living, and above all else, life is about adaption. There are seasons and reasons for everything, and as you grow up, you find out who you are and what you want. And sometimes you realise that the people from your past should stay there…

You can't sit back and put everybody's life ahead of yours, and you are not responsible for anything else other than your own contentment. To look after your mental health in a world obsessed with social media is the quietest, simplest and most powerful thing you will ever do, but it’s increasingly hard in a world which is trying to de-sensitise you from using logic to navigate happiness.

Social media is all too much and not enough at the same time, and it’s a catastrophic mistake to look for happiness and validation from other people in your network. Most people probably have no idea who you are, or what you’ve been through, how you feel every day or the battles you're up against. They might woefully suck the happiness right out of you, or interact with an insincerity that feels fake and forced. But it no longer seems right to be a victim of something you can change, and when you figure out that ‘Online’ doesn’t exist anymore and that you carry it everywhere with you, maybe we’ll start to think deeper about our virtual connections.

Happiness is the way you think, and if you're surrounded by online negativity all the time, you carry a weight which isn’t yours to bear. Loving yourself and losing yourself, is more than the difference of one letter.

Pay attention to the way people make you feel.

Follow wisely, and unfollow unapologetically.

Time is non-refundable. Use it with intention.

From Donegal with love. Always.

The Secret Life Of Adults: Fear

I started thinking about fear at 15,000 feet.

Strapped to a stranger I had met only twenty minutes previous, I teetered on the edge of oblivion with a camera man named Cupcake, and an uncontrollable smile across my face.

Up until then, everything I had been conditioned to believe conventional fear to be, was embodied in that moment. A fear of injury. A fear of heights. A fear of speed. A fear of trust. A fear of death…normal dangers which we categorically avoid.

And there I was, as happy as could be in the lead up to arguably the most dangerous experience of my life. I felt euphoric, deliriously happy, and if I could have hopped on the next plane to recreate the experience, I’d be there in a tachycardiac minute.

Judging by the above experience, I wasn’t fearful of death, so why the hell would I be fearful of life? But I was, and in many ways I remain so everyday.

The thing that scares me the most is that exhausting, everyday fear we all experience, and by all accounts, it’s just as scary if not more petrifying than jumping out of a plane. That fear is the irrational voice in the back of our heads which makes us doubt our ourselves and our unique abilities. It’s a phobia of being wrong, different or publicly embarrassed. It’s the un-nerving feeling when we’re put on the spot, or in front of a crowd, and it’s a fear of risking the average to be able to pursue the extraordinary.

Someone told me recently fear is a reflection of the things we care about, and as a confident girl who advocates bravery, non-conformity and an unapologetic sense of self, that conversation really struck a cord with the superficiality of my fears.

Although I didn’t think twice about tandem skydiving with a complete stranger, sometimes I’m anxious about what other people think. Sometimes I’m scared to pursue my ambitions and fail. Sometimes I’m petrified of moving forward with my life. Sometimes I’m terrified I’ve made the wrong choices. Sometimes I’m afraid I’m not fulfilling my potential. Sometimes I’m worried about how I look. But most of the time I’m fearful of something that does not exist and may never…

That’s because our irrational, intrinsic fear materialises as a glass ceiling we're constantly anticipating an immense collision with. Our minds ache from a tension which forecasts some sort of catastrophic event, created by the illusions of our own vivid and dubious imaginations.

But take a second to think about someone you admire. A person who is perhaps successful, or famous, or thought provoking or even inspiring. They most certainly didn’t get to where they are now by conceding to their fears.

Consider some of the all time greats. Ghandi for example wasn’t scared to challenge British oppression peacefully despite the danger to his life. Simone de Beauvoir wasn’t afraid to brandish sexism and bare her soul to the world through her writing. Steve Jobs wasn’t fearful of failure and ridicule when he dedicated his life to his creative vision….And even Kim Kardashian, a woman who arguably suffered one of the worse possible public humiliations; the publication of a sex tape, was able to turn it around and channel the fear of social indignity to shape and built an empire; becoming one of the most powerful public figures in the world.

Sylvia Plath, a woman who does in fact exist outside the misery of Leaving Cert English wrote: “We’re all victims of introspection.” I love the honesty of that statement, but I believe you’re only ever a victim if you succumb to your nonsensical internal fears and let them suffocate your day to day life and future ambitions.

Fear is always going to be a part of our decision-making processes, because it’s embedded in our brains as an effective survival technique. But outside the rare considerations of fight or flight, it’s also something we can confront far more easily than most people care to acknowledge. Once you recognise a fear out loud, I don’t think it has the same strength or capacity of consumption. It’s redundant. You can logically challenge it.

The more I write about things that scare me, the braver I feel. The more I expose the inner most workings of my mind, the more at peace I become. And if I’m courageous enough to be true and real and authentic, then I feel happier and that makes me less concerned about what everyone else thinks.

In a small way, I would like to think that encourages others and reminds me on the days I feel most self-aware and fearful that we’re all the same…because aren’t we all just camouflaging an ingrained anxiety? Wearing cool exteriors and nonchalant social media personas, when behind it all, we’re quite obviously desperately seeking status and acceptance?

Fear is an exhausting illusion.

Fortunately I find the older and more worldly I get, the closer I am to accepting the fact that yes, I will DEFINITELY be a source of my own embarrassment. I will sometimes be the subject of idle gossip. I will absolutely be wracked with nerves and fearful of the unknown, and I will be un-liked and rejected by people in the future with whom I am not universally compatible…I also choose not to let that stop me from pursuing everything I want and dream of.

Anais Nin inked a sentiment which resonates with me every day. “Had I not created my own world, I would have certainly died in someone else’s.” It doesn’t much matter in the grand scheme of things if you’re popular, or wealthy or successful or good looking. It matters that when they lay your bones in the ground, you can say you left no dream to wither unchased. The most important thing is that on the last day of your life, you're able to say you let no one and nothing stop you from being the best version of yourself.

Truthfully, life is entirely composed of so called ‘fearful’ decisions. The choice between the safe job and the career of your dreams. The choice to be in a relationship with someone, or be alone. The choice to stay where you are or move away and start again. The brave decision to make your voice and opinions heard. The freedom to truly articulate your personality. The choice of what you want to wear and who you want to love.

And you'll do well to remember that you also reserve the right to fail at some, if not all of the above. As in the words of my literary hero Ernest Hemingway:

“Every man’s life ends in the same way. Only the details of how he lived and died distinguish one man from another.”

Fear cheats you out of the best things in life. And although our fears are constantly evolving, sometimes beyond our control; there are an immeasurable set of worries which can be challenged, tackled and diminished if you’re brave enough to accept the inevitability of failure, embarrassment and heartbreak and be courageous in spite of these distresses.

Jack Kerouac wrote: “I have nothing to offer other people other than my own confusion,” and I think in the rawest sense, that’s exactly what I can provide to any one person reading this. A hopeful, relatable account of my own befuddlement and fears, because the world does not care about me. It doesn’t even care about you. And if it doesn’t care about us, then all we have to do is care about ourselves.

So I’m dedicating my life to the great challenge of overcoming fear and risking failure in spite of the red faces, dashed dreams, tears and heartbreaks which will undoubtedly follow.

But even if we're beaten, which is some instances is an inevitable fate; I hope that each of us can still steal a little victory because we smiled in the face of fear. Nothing is more essential to happiness than an infinite bravery.

From Donegal with love, always.

Mum's The Word

To my amazing Mother,

You are without a doubt, the rainbow behind every rain cloud that ever thought to darken the sky.

You are an inexhaustible source of happiness, and as you grow older, you grow more beautiful.

You’ve often said that love is the most overused word in existence. And when I look into your eyes, I know that true love is what you have sacrificed for the six of us. You have lived, worked and prospered through times we could not fathom, let alone replicate, and you built our home on a foundation of selfless love and grace.

You are the life blood of our family, and the human super glue which holds us all together and if you aren’t happy, none of us are. Your tears become ours, and your sadness becomes mine.

In ways of which you are not even aware, you have held my dreams together with your endless support and encouragement. But when you say “Well done!” or “I’m very proud of you”, that praise is a reflection of all your love and effort; as before I can claim any ghastly delusions of kindness, independence or intellect, you have been there by my side, as a never ending source of inspiration and strength.

There are two educations in life. The one you have taught, and the one I had to learn for myself…which has almost nothing to do with knowledge, and everything to do with a universal understanding of who is real and what is essential. Over the years you’ve taught me family isn't always biological, but instinctual, and that means always looking after the people who need our love and help the most.

Although you are the definitive winner of ‘Most Questions Asked Before 9am’, and clearly working for some kind of intelligence agency, you were able to warn me about people long before I even thought to be cautious. I've recently realised I’ve never had a true friend, not ever, not a real one, that you haven’t given your verbal approval of, because you judge people on their actions, not words or grand appearances.

As a hideous teenager it makes me sad to think how I threw you into the trenches of my distress, sadness and worry, and I’m eternally sorry for causing 25 years’ worth of trouble outside an inaugural 11 hour labour. You have loved me most when I've been at my worst,and you are the quiet calm voice that reminds me that everything will be ok.

But thankfully, when we laugh, we laugh a lot, and like any great mother you make fun of me daily. As the original funny girl, you taught me the importance of approaching life with a sense of humour, and how not to take myself or the opinions of others too seriously.

For example, when you told me (and numerous other people) I could talk shit for a living, you didn’t initially intend it to be career advice, but here I am, some years later carving out a career as a writer. Yet, even in jest you held a high standard for me, as a woman and your daughter, for which I was always exactable. You said I could be whoever I wanted if I was willing to work hard enough, and I would not be who I am today without you.

Nevertheless, I’m guilty of neglecting you. You're so hidden in plain sight I assume your presence is commonplace, and I forget how significant it is to my health and undisputed happiness.

But you are more than just a mother, a chef, a chauffeur, a bank manager, a disciplinarian and a sibling mediator.  You are a self-made woman whose independence was established long before you had a man to share the bills with. And although you never had the time to read books or benefit from the opportunity to travel extensively in your youth, you are one of the most intelligent and insightful people I know. 

Apart from caring for your children, you have shown love and given people dignity in the last years of their life,through your relentless philosophy of always putting other people first...and as the first woman on, and the last woman off the dance floor, your spirit is something I can only aspire to.

Of style and femininity you taught me its boobs OR legs, NEVER both and that the former would be a genetic legacy I would appreciate one day. And, as I stood in my sisters beloved holy communion dress aged eight, with it barely fitting over my knees, you delivered your usual cut throat truth, in your usual characteristic way. You said I was never going to be as skinny and petite as my sisters or some other girls, and I shouldn’t try to be. You said I should love my own body because it’s the only one I’m ever going to have - and in that simple assertion you made me resilient and confident enough to love my own skin.

They say "All women become like their mothers, but no man does and that’s his tragedy." I hope I’m lucky enough that I do, because to me that would be the highest form of accomplishment. And in an age of my own, when I have my own family to love, I hope my heart will be as big and generous as yours and serve as a credit to your legacy.

And although I can only explain my love for you in adequate words, you have always helped me find my voice during times when I had lost all hope.

You are the essential substance behind every thought and feeling I’ve ever had, and in the creation of all my own stories, you are the muse, the mastermind and the master of ceremonies.

I love you not only for who you are, but for what I am when I’m with you…the truest and very best version of myself.

“When trials are heavy and suddenly fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends desert us; when trouble thickens around us, a mother is the truest friend we have.”

From your proud and loving daughter, with love. Always.

The Secret Life of Adults - Rape Culture

"Grab them by the p**sy.”

Five words which will forever be synonymous with the political stylings of the deplorable Donald Trump, a man who, among many other distressing characteristics,  personifies the underlying existence of ‘Rape Culture’, in a global society where women often ‘appear’ to have ‘equivocal’ rights to their male counterparts.

Rebecca Solnit wrote:

“Rape culture is an environment in which rape is prevalent and in which sexual violence against women is normalised and excused in the media and popular culture. Rape culture is perpetuated through the use of misogynistic language, the objectification of women’s bodies, and the glamorisation of sexual violence, thereby creating a society that disregards women’s rights and safety.”

Even though many men would never contemplate rape, and a lot of women thankfully have never been victims of rape, ‘Rape Culture’ is something which in one way or another affects us all.

To reflect back on a recent Twitter exchange regarding a subject relating to another aspect of women’s issues, one male commentator limited a discussion of the female agenda to be exclusive to:  ‘A Shrill band of Socialists, Feminists and Lesbians.’

Apart from the obvious narrow mindedness and bigotry of this statement, it heartily demonstrates the deeply embedded, dysfunctional and downright alarming thought processes of society as a whole, and the disregard for the women’s issues that still exist. 

It supports a widespread thought process that women should be content with their lot, but frankly, life didn’t become perfect for us when we got the right to vote. It was a milestone on a long and treacherous journey, which comes to a daily climax every night, when we arrive home after swerving that creepy guy, or after questioning the taxi driver who took an unknown route home, when we close our front door and unconsciously celebrate the fact we didn’t get raped today.

There may be no bombs, or guns pointed at our heads, but that doesn’t mean the threat of modern ‘Rape Culture’ is not real. We’re increasingly guilty of commodifying human life, defining ourselves by looks, physical form and social conformity. We live in a highly sexualised society which considers sexual aggression and exploitation as normal. We glamourise subordination to men because they are the hunter gatherers, the providers of impractical shoes and barely there underwear...because you know, they're sexy and definitely for our own benefit and comfort.

As women we are repeatedly told ‘boys will be boys’, but the innocence of a ‘cheeky bum’ grab in a night club is part of a larger scale of events, a gender power play and a subsequent reminder that the whole female population is held in a subordinate position to the whole male population. In this way we have socially constructed and reinforced the idea of male entitlement from what we as a society, still to this day, tell men about their gender.

Interestingly, Oliver Markus discussed the female role in purporting a rape culture when he pondered the global success of a very famous book:

"Look at the huge success of Fifty Shades of Grey. The girl in the book lets a rich guy beat her and ritually rape her, and she likes it! She finds it erotic! But imagine if Christian Grey wasn't a billionaire. Imagine if he lived in a dirty old trailer down by the river. Then that story wouldn't be a sexy romance novel, but an episode of CSI."

Ladies, we all know real life is nothing like this Hollywood spectaculisation, so why why are we not questioning its existence?

For example getting followed home is not sexy.  It wasn’t complimentary and it was one of the scariest things that has ever happened to me. Being alone or in sports wear was not an invitation to be repeatedly hounded at the side of a busy main road, and funnily enough I wasn’t tempted to get in his car after the fourth attempt to drive up and down the road to talk to me.

Fortunately, I was helped out by three other male friends who made sure I got home safely but sadly these occurences reinforce the fact that as women, we are required to police and monitor ourselves and also answer questions like: ‘What were you wearing?’ when we share our story with others.

And, if for whatever reason you think I’m being dramatic, consider this:

Do men have to consider a different route home, the consequences of your phone dying, changing the way you dress or the colour of your lipstick in order to feel safe?

Do you have to worry about:

1.            Getting too drunk.

2.            Leaving your drink unattended at the bar.

3.            Meeting a stranger with no one knowing your whereabouts.

4.            Being alone in your house with an unknown visitor e.g. the electrician, the plumber etc.

5.            Travelling solo.

6.            Running or walking alone at night.

7.            Responding to abusive harassers, because retaliation might escalate the situation.

8.            Your choice and fit of clothing.

9.            The size and shape of your physical anatomy as an invitation for commentary.

10.          Getting a taxi home alone.

These are things that men often don’t have to think about, that men take for granted, that men simply don’t have to consider as part of their daily life, but sadly these are things that we as women have to consider every day.

But if we as women do not believe in the underlying existence of these preventative rape measures, and we do not raise the validity of our own suffering, then we weaken the possibility of ever challenging, changing and rectifying these deeply held and accepted beliefs and actions. Imagine these destructive thought processes multiplied by over 7,460,124,122 people (roughly) globally, and contemplate the omerta like culture of silence we are enabling by not speaking out and raising awareness of this issue.

But for whatever reason you think there’s no harm in the actions or words of some men, if it’s so normal and harmless and non-derogatory, why aren’t men telling their mum’s they have lovely tits? Why aren’t they wolf whistlin’ at their cousins and condoning the actions of strangers who hound their girlfriends and sisters…

If it’s an act of admiration to be followed, or for a man to not take no for an answer because he ‘really likes you’, then why stop there. Why not start telling victims of theft that they deserved to be robbed for having such a lovely house, instead of teaching people not to steal. Hell why don’t we legalise guns, hand out knives, reward crime and let murderers decide the fate of our wellbeing while we’re at it…

That’s because these pre-requisites would only encourage people to think that extreme behaviours were acceptable. 

As such, we have to change the processes before you can ever change the product. It starts with enabling a world where young men and women grow up with intelligent regard and knowledge of each other’s bodies, as well as respect for each other’s minds.For example 'Rape Culture'  in public discourse is encouraged and condoled when we consent to the participation of conversations that encourages a lax attitudes toward sexual violence and the concerns of women. 

The way we talk about things matter, and not accepting the words and actions of others will help us to redefine the issue.

The current prevalence of the issue may have arisen most obviously thanks to one misogynistic predator masquerading as a presidential candidate, but the fact that it is

currently being used as a reason to (rightly) diminish Trump’s position and credibility, surely means that we have finally reached our limit? A point of insurpassable tolerance? A public turning point?

Have we put Rape Culture on the agenda as no longer acceptable?

I hope so. For myself and every female across the world.

From Doha with love. Always.

The Secret Life Of Adults - Loneliness

Isn’t it strange that most of us are born alone, and die alone, yet to feel alone is an all-consuming fear engrossing the lives of many twenty somethings. 

As a generation we’ve redefined what it means to be lonely, because unlike any previous connotations of isolation and solitude, we’ve culturally complexified the construct of loneliness in a world so connected, that we’ve grown a part from the things that really matter.

We’ve been mis-diagnosing loneliness for quite some time now, confusing singularity of thought for detrimental non-conformity; social boredom as anti-socialness, and disillusionment with modern society as anti-advancement.

Technology, social media, a consuming drinking culture and infinite social pressures, deepen, diversify and complexify what it means to feel lonely, because, as Albert Einstein once poignantly noted, our knowledge of humanity has been surpassed by our own ‘supposed’ progression.

Admittedly we may communicate in a multitude of multifaceted ways you couldn’t even imagine twenty something years ago, but are our days filled with meaningful interactions which catalyse our enrichment or development? For me, the answer is no, because loneliness is a very palpable aspect of contemporary life, and I see it on the faces and social media accounts of every twenty something I know.

There are numerous circumstances and relationships which increasingly result in a sense of frustration and alienation, because even in the company of a crowd; unless we’re surrounded by real time, real life, wholesome and supportive connections, we’re vulnerable to falling prey to destructive social norms that make us believe we're alone in the way we think and feel.

Relationships of circumstance for example, involve the realisation that we outgrow some people, their biases, limitations, views, opinions and stagnancy. This also means understanding that we're human, and we have an essential craving for social inclusion, regardless of the whether or not our socialisations actually add substance to our lives. Also bare in mind, a joint experiences such as school or university does not necessarily mean that two people have a life long compatibility or are capable of filling the hole which necessitates that you place a higher value on the quality of life you expend, and who you expend it with.

Another bountiful modern catalyst of loneliness is a consuming social restlessness. Everyone, it seems, is busy looking busy. Are you where you are, or are you on a smart phone? As we know, human beings have an intrinsic need to belong, to feel an integral part of something greater than themselves. But do most people feel fulfilled by their life choices? Fundamentally, this requires an examination into the way we choose to spend each hour, each day, each month and each year. Because time is the only thing we have that we can never acquire more of, and isn’t anything, and anyone that makes us feel lonely, not just a complete waste of our most precious resource?

Charles Bukowski summed up our reliance on a weekend drinking culture to alleviate an infectious loneliness when he internally contemplated: "Wow, it's Friday night, what am I going to do? Just sit there? Or go out" To which he introspectively answered “Well, yeah. Because there's nothing out there other than what’s inside….” And figuring out just what that is, and just what it needs to flourish is the only way we’re ever going to overcome this consuming cultural phenomenon, which only erodes the feeling of loneliness further.

I’ve confronted loneliness in many divergent ways. I’ve weighed it up and I’ve dressed it down, and although I feel lonely a lot, I know not everything or everyone can fill the gap of my loneliness.

Principally, my experience of loneliness stems from a professional ambition, personal expectation and the feeling I need to compensate my parents for their emotional and financial investment in my future, because I need to gratify my own potential and the overwhelming support I've always been given.

By doing so, I've prioritised myself over everything else, because I felt it was something I had to do in my twenties. It wasn’t easy, but I wouldn’t be sitting in the Middle East on my sweeney tod if loneliness didn’t feel good and bad at the same time. Most people are scared of being lonely, but I’ve never be so scared of it, as used to it. Loneliness is something I’ve chosen over under-fulfillment for a long time, but as the novelty of professional progress wears off, here I am, just another twenty something, contemplating life, feeling just as lonely and lost as anyone.

Don’t get me wrong, loneliness has probably been one of my greatest teachers. Loneliness means you’re trying something new and challenging, and it can be immensely rewarding in the larger scheme of life. In this respect, to feel lonely is an integral component of development, because a sheltered life anchors personal development. Loneliness is necessary sometimes, and sacrifice is a double edge sword we need to understand in relation to the uniqueness to our own lives and our infinite potential.

I've come to realise there are three key ingredients in the pursuit of happiness. Self-actualisation, Love and financial stability - but sadly all three seem unable to run in joyful parallel. It always boils down to the lesser of two evils, and really that’s the crux of the matter isn't it? What are you willing to sacrifice to appease your loneliness?

That being said, for every one day of loneliness I’ve ever experienced in my twenties, I’ve probably been saved from three in the future… because I’m starting to realise what intolerable loneliness means to me. 

Presently, that equates to being in a different country from the people I love. Sitting at a table with people on their phones, and thinking that socialisation and a drinking are synonomous social norms and the be all, and end all of craic.

I don’t want to be trapped alone in the same figurative or literal room anymore – so I’m starting to make decisions  in line with the above retrospection. 

We determine the quality of our own lives, and anything that makes us feel good, couldn't possibly be bad. 

To be continued…

From Doha With Love. Always.

The Secret Life Of Adults - Part 1

It’s a remarkable thing the transition into adulthood. One day you’re snuggly wrapped in the warm and calming blanket of your parents care and consideration, and next…BOOM…You’re sheepishly left flinching from a lethal blow of grown up responsibility, financial uncertainty and uncomfortable social expectation, which leaves you nervously shuffling between a fledgling happiness and a fear of disappointing others.

Frankly growing up sucks, but as second stint millennials we can’t really say we didn’t see the tidal wave of expectancy coming, because this growing up malarkey is part and parcel of the traditional shedding of youth; a life altering occasion marked by no grand function, guided by no coherent documentation, and awarding no real prestige other than the right to legally consume alcohol.

However, unlike the other poor twenty something souls that came, saw and failed before us; never have the young lives of a generation been so definitively mapped out before them; begging the questions:

At what stage do we turn from socially dependent to culturally dependable?

Are we thriving during this transition?

What are the impediments to personal growth and happiness?

And…

Why are so many of us recoiling, resisting and suffering at the hands of conventional constructs of happiness?

The mere desire to exist is rife. It plagues our youth, and our schools. It contaminates the government, our dole queues and the construct of family. We are working to live and trying with all our might to escape the mundanity of the mid-week at the weekend; trying to find happiness in ways and places that cannot sustain personal joy and self-actualisation.

Is it any wonder then, that people are left confusingly unfulfilled and achingly dis-satisfied when deviation from the ‘Grand Plan’ is emphatically considered to be a social failure, a personal deficiency, a tragic story of poor parenting and a sorry case of mental instability?

Some say the rules are simple and effective.

Do well in school. Go to university. Pursue further education if you feel it will be financially or professionally beneficial. Get a job. Settle down. Rent a house. Buy a house. Get married. Have Children. And for many of us, some of these social constructs may have brought us happiness in all kinds of extents and time frames, from the interim to the infinite.

Nevertheless, it would be hard for any of us to deny the fact we’re living lives which are not truly our own, and the worse part is that we actually feel we’re exercising our democratic freedom of choice, because we’re told: “You can go anywhere and do anything with your life!” (Whilst simultaneously being micro managed by multiple parties to conform to every single one of the social expectations dictated above.)

BUT IS THIS LIFE? IS THIS LIVING?

For me the answer is a categoric NO! 

I’m half way through the above check list and I’ve done everything I should, when I should, and at the tender age of 24 I know that I’m largely missing the point of my own existence, because I live in fear of straying from the norm, settling for the good, in fear of pursuing the great.

In my inaugural blog, I touched on this topic, coining the phrase: ‘Comedy Tidings Of The Duck’; one who appears to be effortless gliding through life when in reality, very few people see the worry and effort of little legs kicking furiously below the surface.

The ‘Secret Life of Adults’ has every intention of exposing the uncomfortable topics that are leeching the spontaneity and joy out of life, aiming to expose and unseat this kind of social disposition and absolutely not giving a duck in the process!

Because this good daughter, this good student, this good girl hasn’t yet found a holistic happiness on the mainstream path of compliancy, and I have my suspicions you haven’t either.

And if we’re not questioning our decisions, contemplating our values, examining our societies and challenging our peers and leadership, then the only real reason for our existence is economy. The work trudge, the wheel of industry and a pointless continuation of utopian births and malcontented deaths which are created and halted in the hope, that there is something more meaningful out there for us all…

….and that my friends is worth a discussion or two.

To be continued…

From Etihad flight A330 with love. Always. 

Politically Correct

On a scale of one to Victoria’s Secret model, politics probably resides somewhere deep and dark on the sexiness scale….but although it’s not always cool, dazzling, enchanting or glamorous; challenging authority and sticking it to the status quo has long been a social heirloom, which has lovingly been passed down from one generation of pissed off people to another.

2016 has been a huge year in the political sector. In many countries (…mentioning no names), the tragic events of political injustice, have both flared tensions and widened social divisions; intensifying global struggles between the We The Collective People and the power structures of the world.

These days, international politics can only be likened to the experience of an emotional rollercoaster, but no matter how moved, horrified and enraged we are by the things we see and hear on the news, there’s an overwhelming disconnection between how we feel and an incentive to affect change via the medium of the almighty ballot box.

This political disengagement is becoming increasingly rife in an era that has seen most of us, myself included, take a back seat on the ole' political attentiveness front. In reality, politics is the tour de force behind everything….and I mean EVERYTHING, and it’s time to get politically savvy for the sake of ourselves, and the ones we love.

Isaac Asimov called the public withdrawal from the political sphere anti-intellectualism, but to be honest, I don't feel it’s a question of intelligence, it’s more a question of naivete.

For many of us in the western world, political disengagement stems from the false notion that democracy is a pre-requisite for outstanding service and representation. Largely, this is because we’ve been educated to believe in the illusion of romantic, democratic superiority, which we enjoyably flaunt over those suffering under dictatorship.

Will Durant, a man far more articulate than me, encapsulated my new found political conscious when he wrote: “Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance". The truth is that the more I learn, the more it makes me realise how much we under-utilise our power and influence as voters, and for those of us fortunate enough to be living in these so called democratic societies, (and definitely for those who don’t), politics is too powerful to be left solely to those who have an elected seat and a prefix to their name.

Essentially, most politicians are show men whose success is more down to their ability to charm, than their actual credentials as upstanding citizens who have the best interests of their constituencies at heart. Their man-powered hydro-erosion of bullshit has been shaping our political understanding for quite some time now, and we have been manipulated into becoming reactive voters rather than proactive members of society. 

To put it frankly, Elie Wiesel the renown Nobel Laureate,once said: “Neutrality only helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented." 

....I know what you’re thinking. What has this got to do with me exactly? So I’ll counteract your question, with my own. What do you think the biggest impediment to political progress is? …ourselves!

As ‘Grown-ups’ we have an inherent fear of ‘not knowing’ or fully understanding the things that we think we’re supposed to. This unfounded shame leads to a fear of asking or talking to people who may be able to enlighten us.

We, this adult army of pretenders feed into the continuance of ignorance fueling the generations who follow, and we rely on the twisted and ulterior motives of the media and their own political agenda to help us make informed cultural decisions, with repercussions that span way beyond who we call MP (**COUGH** Brexit).

So on a very basic level, I want to carve an outlet of discussion by making political knowledge accessible, even on a small scale, and put it on your personal agenda and in some kind of context.  So let’s talk about the things that matter to us.

You know that paycheck or dole payment you get every month….well don't forget it's government regulated! aka TAX and SOCIAL WELFARE. And you know that time you heard about the horrendous accident and the ambulance which took too long to reach the scene, well yep, you have the power to change that too by demanding improvements to HEALTHCARE and RURAL REPRESENTATION. Have you thought about university? What school do you really want your kid to go to? In that case you’re probably going to have to think about the provision of QUALITY EDUCATION and GRANT ACCESS before you actually need it!

In fairness, political ignorance is not completely our own fault. The void in political communication is largely due to our respective national Education systems (I’ve experience two), who are failing us in a pragmatic understanding of real world issues. In my adult life, I’ve never had to recount the value of X, but I have had to drastically consider where I now stand as the holder of a British Passport, and for many people like myself, political activism seems particularly poignant, and let’s face it, necessary right now, to enable us to deal with the plethora of craziness that we call the modern political environment.

In order to demand access, change, reform and modifications to the rules and rulers we elect to serve our best interests, we need to increase our understanding of who and what our political parties do. Although it’s difficult to find reliable, centralised sources of information on political parties in terms of their political beliefs, views and representatives, that statement  kind of errrrrr’ illustrates the necessity of this discussion!

As such, I’ve chosen to briefly disscuss three countries with relevance to my own political digestion, whilst also being applicable to many others reading this. Those being Ireland, Great Britain and America.

IRELAND

In Ireland politics is something we have a historic overexposure to, but beyond previous religious and socio-economic associations, what are our actual political parties doing for us on a social, economic and cultural level?...Especially with relevance to a Celtic tiger with post-traumatic stress? Ironically, the below link is intended for people who are moving to Ireland and the best I found in the morning I afforded to looking for this kind of information. It’s not great but at least it centralises some key sources for further exploration and actually gives a decent historical background.

http://www.livinginireland.ie/en/culture_society/the_political_system_voting/  

GREAT BRITAIN

If nothing else, Brexit showed us that every one vote can make a difference both in the UK and beyond, which in my humble opinion reinforces Plato’s statement that: "One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors." Apart from compounding political ignorance, the ‘Brexit’ referendum divided a nation and served as a comprehensive over view of political disconnect, sending shock waves through Europe with repercussions that we’ve undoubtedly yet to experience. Take a look at this link which dishes up some centralised info…but take it with a pinch of salt because it’s also from a media source.

http://edition.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/europe/04/26/uk.parliament.explainer/

AMERICA

Inescapably, the global super power that is America and the circus that is the 2016 elections is an unavoidable part of our cultural absorption. Although I’m not here to discuss my thoughts on either candidate, which would warrant an entirely separate blog post, I’ve found a great article which offers an explanation of the differentiations between America’s two main political parties: Democrats (Hilary Clinton’s party) and Republicans (Donald Trump’s party) so we can understand what’s going on, on a very fundamental level. Although it’s largely generalised, I think it gives a good preliminary investigation into a powerful and influential political system that undoubtedly has repercussions for the rest of the world.

https://www.quora.com/What-are-the-basic-differences-between-Democrats-and-Republicans-in-American-politics-Does-either-party-support-leftist-ideologies

Maybe you’re at the point of the piece where you're starting to wonder just why I chose to write a politically motivated post. My reasoning is that I simply aim to put political discussion on the table by illustrating how our lives are lived in an intertwining state of political being, no matter how comfortable or unaffected we may feel.

This is by no means a comprehensive or complete discussion, but I think it highlights the necessity of political action. Whether that means putting your name on the voting register or going directly to your local political representative with a question or concern is up to you.

You should never be afraid to think out loud, because that's how we learn and grow. Being too scared to ask questions and voice our concerns is how we got into this mess in the first place.

Did you realise though, that even if you don't bother to learn or exercise your political rights, you are in effect already voting for domineering political parties who have become so used to notoriety and popularity, that they barely need to serve the collective good.

Contrary to common belief, politicians are not stupid, and rest assured they are keenly aware that it is in their best interests to keep you bored, misinformed and cynical. So make no mistake, the current political environment isn’t currently serving your best interests, and perhaps it never will until you actively engage with it.

Political activism is very simply and eloquently explained in the following statement:

"When I was young, I wanted to change the world, but I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation. When I found I couldn't change my nation, I began to focus on my town. When I couldn't change my town, I tried to change my family and friends, but in my old age, I now realise that the only thing I can ever change is myself.

If I had understood that long ago, I could have made an impact on my family and friends. We could have made an impact on our town. Our town could have made an impact on our nation, and I could indeed have changed the world."

So if not YOU, then HOW?... and more importantly...WHO?

From Doha with love. Always.