A Letter to I Love You

In all the tragedies I had ever read, and the respective and profound verses of both the classics and the contemporaries; figurative sadness had prepared me so insufficiently for your loss, it took almost two years to realise that you had gone.  

Writing they say, is a defiant stance against a sad consuming silence, and recently more than ever, as tragedy has struck the young lives of many, I have found it apt to tell my story, so that others may know, that even though their hearts may break, split in half, and enduringly reside somewhere deep and dark, everything - even the longevity of grief is nothing in contrast to the infinity of love…because irrespective of life and death, love outlives us all.

In the 10 short years since you left, I have found that memories are like bullets, both comforting and cathartic, pensive of that sharp little pain, that never truly dulls, but thuds with every step.

Looking back I can’t help but dwell on the darkness which took the glow from our family for a very long time. Laughter was infrequent and most days it didn’t exist at all. The world had acquired a hardness and it was no longer a place we wanted to live without you. A daily sadness gathered momentum, turning into months and merging into years.   

And I wanted to punch all those people who brought sandwiches and cakes and told me that time heals everything, because what did they know about you. They desperately wanted me to believe that everything would be okay, but did they not understand that it wouldn’t, and it never fully would be again?

Strength, it became clear, was one of the few things that remained when our family had nothing left to give. For Dad that meant getting out of bed became his greatest challenge, when the world had given him every reason not to. And if it hadn't of been for Mum, the human super glue that had held us all together, we would have surely sank under the weight of our own constrictive sadness.

Your death struck a profound chord, and it echoed in my ears so loudly, that I could no longer hear the happy sound of my own future calling.  Loss had changed a cheerful girl and I could not make sense of what was incomprehensible, so inexplicable. You were far too young to die, 21, number 50, and the unlucky two out of an unfortunate three.

Remember when you hugged me and said you would be safe? That was a promise you could not keep, and the syllables of goodbyes were ones we were never able to completely form. So many times I have lamented cross words which were briefly spoken, or a sorry which took a little too long to take shape. I would take them all back if I could, and replace them with I love you’s.

Memories of our childhood visit me often. They are so clear and vivid it’s like we’re all young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant, and funny little moments seem all the more hilarious now they can never be shared or repeated. I would gladly take several karate chops to the head, which seemed liked a regular occurrence during your Bruce lee phase, to have you here with me. I laugh when I remember how you panicked and shouted ‘DON’T TELL MUM’ as you sat me on your knee, and I secretly sat smiling under my pack of peas as you hugged me close, because you weren't just my big brother you were my favourite person ever. I’ll never forget the family wedding when you thought sneaking a dozen whiskeys at 16 was a good idea, and we were given the strictest instructions not to laugh during the two hour car journey home….which proved to be impossible.

And now you're gone, your absence is never forgotten on birthdays, Christmas and every day in between. I cannot comprehend all the happy times you will not be here to see, and the joyous moments we must experience without you, but you are always in our hearts and minds and there you will live forever.

I’m very different now because of you, because of your loss but more importantly because of your legacy. I’ve never wanted to make anyone prouder than what I want to make you. And even though your life was short, it was the sweetest it could be. There was happiness and laughter and memories that will never fade. And in your loss I found a fortitude that I did not know I had, and when the lights go off and I’m all alone, when the thoughts flood, and the tears stream, I stare at the ceiling in my room and think of ways to make you proud, repeat my thank yous and continue to live the best life I can without you.

The longing to act meaningfully has flourished from your loss. I would take back every single trivial request I’ve ever made, and replace it with a piece of some grand puzzle of understanding, which would slowly reveal what it truly means to live and love…something I have learned from the shadowy lessons of grief.

I find a little therapy in the mention of your name, from those people who like me, have not forgotten you or how much you mean. I send a silent heartfelt thank-you to those who continue to ask me about you, or better still, tell me a story about a part of your adventure I did not know had taken place.

 

There is no other who could walk the earth in the light of my admiration for you, and if I could see you now, I'd tell you that I love you, and in those three words nothing will ever change. I’ll always talk about you like you put the stars in the sky, and of all the people who have ever made me laugh, your silly and contagious ways will always be my favourite.

There is no worldly substitute for loss, and just when I’m flattened and floored by other people’s trivialities, I’ll bite my tongue and realise that life and love is relative, and people can only meet you on their level of understanding and experience. 

You have taught me that many things can go wrong, and some days only a few go right, but each day is a little miracle. And even though the question of why we have to loose those who we love the most, will always strike me as the most agonising torture we could possibly endure, we will endure it in love and memory of you.

You have taught me that we must survive the difficult and the dreadful, to understand every shade of love...and all the colours in between - including those that stem from our darkest days.

Because you are not the sum of tears you have left behind. You are the laughter and happiness which were so uniquely you, and the immeasurable joy that you continue to bring us all.

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From Me to You

And in between my pen and person the starkest truth exists, that in any given moment we have two choices. To move forward in life and love or backward in sorrow and grief. If like me, your waiting for your heart to fall back into the slot where it used to be, understand that sadly it might never.

Happiness however, will rise and fall with the wind, and just when you think you want to give up, as I have many times before, understand that regardless of the way you feel, you have to decide what to do with the time you have left without the ones you love.

And if you can tolerate the insurmountable frustration and anguish, accept the absence of a remedy for heartbreak, and bare the reality of incomplete healing, then you can face the future one day at a time. Grief it seems, can provide a strange focus for us all, and through an infinite strength which you  probably didn't even know existed, we can be inspired by loss in a way we never thought possible.

And if my story, motivated by the greatest protagonist of my life, can soothe those who like myself, had to say goodbye far too soon, then know that Liam continues to inspire me to be the best person that I can be.

Because no matter where in the world I am, I’m writing to him with love. Always.