The Unconventional Notebook

Somewhere between insanity and euphoria lies that sweet little spot where true love lives. If you’ve never lost your mind, then clearly, you have never followed your heart. Breakups, makeups, missed opportunities and misunderstandings…Human love is a fragile thing, but no matter what the outcome, at one time or another, it’s also the greatest, most potent elixir capable of intoxicating even the sharpest, smartest and savviest of souls.

Few of us can claim to possess such uncomplicated good fortune, like the type disclosed to us in the fairy tales of our childhood. But like most little girls and boys I know, I grew up believing in enchanted love stories. From an early age we were misguided and confused by mischevious metaphorics, that made us believe in eternal happy endings. But what happens when the happily ever afters aren’t so happy? And sinful sirens and lotharios aren’t so easy to spot? Quite often we’re forced to face the irony that the closest thing our prince charming has ever come to a white horse, is the Ralph Lauren emblem on his favourite polo shirt. And as for Rapunzel…well she may well have hair of gold, but she doesn't a heart of one, and the only thing that girl is combing through is tinder.

As we shout across the planetary gender divide, that best-selling authors have compared to Venus and Mars, we’ve overcomplicated a remarkably straightforward process. This being that, the crux of love is that actions speak louder than words, so simple yet so overlooked in our haste to make meaning. Sometimes a person may desire you vaguely without the conviction of love. They may be lustful but not loving, an observation complexified by the grey area of free sexual expression and promiscuity. In this war zone we call the modern dating scene; from flirtatious likes on multiple social mediums to one night stands, Cupid has a lot to contend with. We have no operational framework to work from. No sonnets, or siliques or even generational advice. It’s a new age love drug, with an increasing number of cardiovascular side affects.

So what happens when we find the ‘One’, the ‘Raison d'Être’ ? Well that’s when things start to get a whole lot worse…but a whole lot more interesting.

To start such a discussion, one has to acknowledge that on the subject of love there’s more to be said than can be ever be conveyed. The greatest poets, writers and lyricists of all time haven’t lost ears, spiralled into alcoholism, fought, cried and bled for something that can be neatly tied up in a bow. That’s the thing about love, its not always pretty but it’s always inherently beautiful, and it inspires beauty in us all. Everyone is capable of an epic love story that could win even Leonardo Di Caprio an Oscar, but just because we possess the ability, doesn’t mean we can control it.

As human we’re imperfect authors attempting to compose our greatest life’s work. As we grow and learn we’re reckless and defiant, and sometimes we hurt the people we love the most through rebellious acts of youth and stupidity. John Green; the man behind the iconically teary and tragic ‘Fault in Our Stars’ wrote: “I don’t know a perfect person. I only know flawed people who are still worth loving.” Relationships wouldn’t be relation-ships if they sank at the first sign of trouble. Every day, we have other people’s thoughts and feelings to take into consideration, and sometimes this is a trial and error process with no short cuts, cheat sheets, or emotional maps. I’ve had my own share of titanic disasters, but in reality who hasn’t? Sometimes love is more compelling than concern for yourself, and time and time again, we board the boat without a life jacket knowing that at any given time, we’re vulnerable to the Bermuda triangle of emotional turmoil.

At a time in my life where I literally felt my own heart sink, my mother gave me some great advice. She told me that when I was born, I was not given life to be defined by another. As a result of this simple and profound assertion, I took a proactive approach to myself and realised that the days you feel the loneliest, are the days you learn the most about yourself. If you move from relationship to relationship, from one emotional crutch to another, you deprive yourself of these invaluable moments, and you are missing out on the essence of your own existence.

If I was to ask you about all the people you love and have ever loved, how long would it take for you to name yourself? Because that’s the fundamental thing about relationships, you have to love yourself before you can love another. The trick is finding someone who compliments you instead of completes you, because you should be passionately and enthusiastically whole on your own. If you pursue yourself and your own interests, passions, dreams and abilities, the people who you are meant to love will meet you where you are, on the individual path you're supposed to follow. Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means you’re taking your time to decide how and who you want in your life. We’re living in a new era and you get to define and demand when, and who you are loved by.

On the flipside of the love spectrum in the midst of the wrath of sadness that is both sickly and suffocating, courage is an inner resolution to go forward despite the obstacle of heartache. It means self-investment is the greatest currency you can save, and even if you’ve spent your last 10 cent coin on unrequited love, then financial bankruptcy is always more favourable to a wealth of should have, would have, could haves. It’s the greatest measure of strength to pick yourself up after heartbreak and carry on and face those who have caused you sadness. You don’t get the option of choosing how and if people love you in return, you merely have the option to accept, reject or move on from their insufficient offer. Characterise people by their actions. Always. Words are beautiful but they are often the gloss that smooth the deep and dark crevices. You shouldn’t need to tell people how to love you, they should just do it. People say I love you all the time without words and grand gestures.

As Beau Taplin concurred, while everyone you meet may have a part to play in your story, some will take a chapter, others a paragraph and some will be nothing more than a scribble note in a margin. Someday, someone will become so integral to your life that you’ll put their name in the title. You have to make your own choices about who stays and who goes, and you have to accept the luggage they bring or return with. In the words of my fictional ‘spirit animal’ Carrie Bradshaw, the maestro of the ‘Sex and The City’ quartet: “I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-sleep kind of love”. I want the good, the bad, and the in-between. That’s the reality of any relationship, because love hurts too much to be anything else. 

As any person used as a human Kleenex will tell you, if you’re going to love someone, love them completely. Half- hearted love is a fate worse than death, because slowly you’re killing someone who only wants to share their life and love with you. And even though there is a good way to say farewell; as the old saying goes – it’s better to leave someone for the right reasons than stay with them for the wrong. Admittedly love isn't always fun, but if nothing may save us from death, at least love makes us feel alive.

And as for me, I've had a prolific love that will stay with me forever. In the words of my literary hero F. Scott Fitzgerald: "There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice.” The best relationships are divine friendships, and I'm thankful for years of unparalleled laughter and unforgettable moments. Irrespective of past, present and future, that sentiment will stay with me forever.

As Shakespeare once wrote: Time is very slow for those who wait, very fast for those who are scared, very long for those who lament, very short for those who celebrate. But for those who love…Time is eternal.

From Doha With Love. Always.