The Secret Life Of Adults - Loneliness

Isn’t it strange that most of us are born alone, and die alone, yet to feel alone is an all-consuming fear engrossing the lives of many twenty somethings. 

As a generation we’ve redefined what it means to be lonely, because unlike any previous connotations of isolation and solitude, we’ve culturally complexified the construct of loneliness in a world so connected, that we’ve grown a part from the things that really matter.

We’ve been mis-diagnosing loneliness for quite some time now, confusing singularity of thought for detrimental non-conformity; social boredom as anti-socialness, and disillusionment with modern society as anti-advancement.

Technology, social media, a consuming drinking culture and infinite social pressures, deepen, diversify and complexify what it means to feel lonely, because, as Albert Einstein once poignantly noted, our knowledge of humanity has been surpassed by our own ‘supposed’ progression.

Admittedly we may communicate in a multitude of multifaceted ways you couldn’t even imagine twenty something years ago, but are our days filled with meaningful interactions which catalyse our enrichment or development? For me, the answer is no, because loneliness is a very palpable aspect of contemporary life, and I see it on the faces and social media accounts of every twenty something I know.

There are numerous circumstances and relationships which increasingly result in a sense of frustration and alienation, because even in the company of a crowd; unless we’re surrounded by real time, real life, wholesome and supportive connections, we’re vulnerable to falling prey to destructive social norms that make us believe we're alone in the way we think and feel.

Relationships of circumstance for example, involve the realisation that we outgrow some people, their biases, limitations, views, opinions and stagnancy. This also means understanding that we're human, and we have an essential craving for social inclusion, regardless of the whether or not our socialisations actually add substance to our lives. Also bare in mind, a joint experiences such as school or university does not necessarily mean that two people have a life long compatibility or are capable of filling the hole which necessitates that you place a higher value on the quality of life you expend, and who you expend it with.

Another bountiful modern catalyst of loneliness is a consuming social restlessness. Everyone, it seems, is busy looking busy. Are you where you are, or are you on a smart phone? As we know, human beings have an intrinsic need to belong, to feel an integral part of something greater than themselves. But do most people feel fulfilled by their life choices? Fundamentally, this requires an examination into the way we choose to spend each hour, each day, each month and each year. Because time is the only thing we have that we can never acquire more of, and isn’t anything, and anyone that makes us feel lonely, not just a complete waste of our most precious resource?

Charles Bukowski summed up our reliance on a weekend drinking culture to alleviate an infectious loneliness when he internally contemplated: "Wow, it's Friday night, what am I going to do? Just sit there? Or go out" To which he introspectively answered “Well, yeah. Because there's nothing out there other than what’s inside….” And figuring out just what that is, and just what it needs to flourish is the only way we’re ever going to overcome this consuming cultural phenomenon, which only erodes the feeling of loneliness further.

I’ve confronted loneliness in many divergent ways. I’ve weighed it up and I’ve dressed it down, and although I feel lonely a lot, I know not everything or everyone can fill the gap of my loneliness.

Principally, my experience of loneliness stems from a professional ambition, personal expectation and the feeling I need to compensate my parents for their emotional and financial investment in my future, because I need to gratify my own potential and the overwhelming support I've always been given.

By doing so, I've prioritised myself over everything else, because I felt it was something I had to do in my twenties. It wasn’t easy, but I wouldn’t be sitting in the Middle East on my sweeney tod if loneliness didn’t feel good and bad at the same time. Most people are scared of being lonely, but I’ve never be so scared of it, as used to it. Loneliness is something I’ve chosen over under-fulfillment for a long time, but as the novelty of professional progress wears off, here I am, just another twenty something, contemplating life, feeling just as lonely and lost as anyone.

Don’t get me wrong, loneliness has probably been one of my greatest teachers. Loneliness means you’re trying something new and challenging, and it can be immensely rewarding in the larger scheme of life. In this respect, to feel lonely is an integral component of development, because a sheltered life anchors personal development. Loneliness is necessary sometimes, and sacrifice is a double edge sword we need to understand in relation to the uniqueness to our own lives and our infinite potential.

I've come to realise there are three key ingredients in the pursuit of happiness. Self-actualisation, Love and financial stability - but sadly all three seem unable to run in joyful parallel. It always boils down to the lesser of two evils, and really that’s the crux of the matter isn't it? What are you willing to sacrifice to appease your loneliness?

That being said, for every one day of loneliness I’ve ever experienced in my twenties, I’ve probably been saved from three in the future… because I’m starting to realise what intolerable loneliness means to me. 

Presently, that equates to being in a different country from the people I love. Sitting at a table with people on their phones, and thinking that socialisation and a drinking are synonomous social norms and the be all, and end all of craic.

I don’t want to be trapped alone in the same figurative or literal room anymore – so I’m starting to make decisions  in line with the above retrospection. 

We determine the quality of our own lives, and anything that makes us feel good, couldn't possibly be bad. 

To be continued…

From Doha With Love. Always.

The Secret Life Of Adults - Part 1

It’s a remarkable thing the transition into adulthood. One day you’re snuggly wrapped in the warm and calming blanket of your parents care and consideration, and next…BOOM…You’re sheepishly left flinching from a lethal blow of grown up responsibility, financial uncertainty and uncomfortable social expectation, which leaves you nervously shuffling between a fledgling happiness and a fear of disappointing others.

Frankly growing up sucks, but as second stint millennials we can’t really say we didn’t see the tidal wave of expectancy coming, because this growing up malarkey is part and parcel of the traditional shedding of youth; a life altering occasion marked by no grand function, guided by no coherent documentation, and awarding no real prestige other than the right to legally consume alcohol.

However, unlike the other poor twenty something souls that came, saw and failed before us; never have the young lives of a generation been so definitively mapped out before them; begging the questions:

At what stage do we turn from socially dependent to culturally dependable?

Are we thriving during this transition?

What are the impediments to personal growth and happiness?

And…

Why are so many of us recoiling, resisting and suffering at the hands of conventional constructs of happiness?

The mere desire to exist is rife. It plagues our youth, and our schools. It contaminates the government, our dole queues and the construct of family. We are working to live and trying with all our might to escape the mundanity of the mid-week at the weekend; trying to find happiness in ways and places that cannot sustain personal joy and self-actualisation.

Is it any wonder then, that people are left confusingly unfulfilled and achingly dis-satisfied when deviation from the ‘Grand Plan’ is emphatically considered to be a social failure, a personal deficiency, a tragic story of poor parenting and a sorry case of mental instability?

Some say the rules are simple and effective.

Do well in school. Go to university. Pursue further education if you feel it will be financially or professionally beneficial. Get a job. Settle down. Rent a house. Buy a house. Get married. Have Children. And for many of us, some of these social constructs may have brought us happiness in all kinds of extents and time frames, from the interim to the infinite.

Nevertheless, it would be hard for any of us to deny the fact we’re living lives which are not truly our own, and the worse part is that we actually feel we’re exercising our democratic freedom of choice, because we’re told: “You can go anywhere and do anything with your life!” (Whilst simultaneously being micro managed by multiple parties to conform to every single one of the social expectations dictated above.)

BUT IS THIS LIFE? IS THIS LIVING?

For me the answer is a categoric NO! 

I’m half way through the above check list and I’ve done everything I should, when I should, and at the tender age of 24 I know that I’m largely missing the point of my own existence, because I live in fear of straying from the norm, settling for the good, in fear of pursuing the great.

In my inaugural blog, I touched on this topic, coining the phrase: ‘Comedy Tidings Of The Duck’; one who appears to be effortless gliding through life when in reality, very few people see the worry and effort of little legs kicking furiously below the surface.

The ‘Secret Life of Adults’ has every intention of exposing the uncomfortable topics that are leeching the spontaneity and joy out of life, aiming to expose and unseat this kind of social disposition and absolutely not giving a duck in the process!

Because this good daughter, this good student, this good girl hasn’t yet found a holistic happiness on the mainstream path of compliancy, and I have my suspicions you haven’t either.

And if we’re not questioning our decisions, contemplating our values, examining our societies and challenging our peers and leadership, then the only real reason for our existence is economy. The work trudge, the wheel of industry and a pointless continuation of utopian births and malcontented deaths which are created and halted in the hope, that there is something more meaningful out there for us all…

….and that my friends is worth a discussion or two.

To be continued…

From Etihad flight A330 with love. Always.