The Secret Life Of Adults - Loneliness

Isn’t it strange that most of us are born alone, and die alone, yet to feel alone is an all-consuming fear engrossing the lives of many twenty somethings. 

As a generation we’ve redefined what it means to be lonely, because unlike any previous connotations of isolation and solitude, we’ve culturally complexified the construct of loneliness in a world so connected, that we’ve grown a part from the things that really matter.

We’ve been mis-diagnosing loneliness for quite some time now, confusing singularity of thought for detrimental non-conformity; social boredom as anti-socialness, and disillusionment with modern society as anti-advancement.

Technology, social media, a consuming drinking culture and infinite social pressures, deepen, diversify and complexify what it means to feel lonely, because, as Albert Einstein once poignantly noted, our knowledge of humanity has been surpassed by our own ‘supposed’ progression.

Admittedly we may communicate in a multitude of multifaceted ways you couldn’t even imagine twenty something years ago, but are our days filled with meaningful interactions which catalyse our enrichment or development? For me, the answer is no, because loneliness is a very palpable aspect of contemporary life, and I see it on the faces and social media accounts of every twenty something I know.

There are numerous circumstances and relationships which increasingly result in a sense of frustration and alienation, because even in the company of a crowd; unless we’re surrounded by real time, real life, wholesome and supportive connections, we’re vulnerable to falling prey to destructive social norms that make us believe we're alone in the way we think and feel.

Relationships of circumstance for example, involve the realisation that we outgrow some people, their biases, limitations, views, opinions and stagnancy. This also means understanding that we're human, and we have an essential craving for social inclusion, regardless of the whether or not our socialisations actually add substance to our lives. Also bare in mind, a joint experiences such as school or university does not necessarily mean that two people have a life long compatibility or are capable of filling the hole which necessitates that you place a higher value on the quality of life you expend, and who you expend it with.

Another bountiful modern catalyst of loneliness is a consuming social restlessness. Everyone, it seems, is busy looking busy. Are you where you are, or are you on a smart phone? As we know, human beings have an intrinsic need to belong, to feel an integral part of something greater than themselves. But do most people feel fulfilled by their life choices? Fundamentally, this requires an examination into the way we choose to spend each hour, each day, each month and each year. Because time is the only thing we have that we can never acquire more of, and isn’t anything, and anyone that makes us feel lonely, not just a complete waste of our most precious resource?

Charles Bukowski summed up our reliance on a weekend drinking culture to alleviate an infectious loneliness when he internally contemplated: "Wow, it's Friday night, what am I going to do? Just sit there? Or go out" To which he introspectively answered “Well, yeah. Because there's nothing out there other than what’s inside….” And figuring out just what that is, and just what it needs to flourish is the only way we’re ever going to overcome this consuming cultural phenomenon, which only erodes the feeling of loneliness further.

I’ve confronted loneliness in many divergent ways. I’ve weighed it up and I’ve dressed it down, and although I feel lonely a lot, I know not everything or everyone can fill the gap of my loneliness.

Principally, my experience of loneliness stems from a professional ambition, personal expectation and the feeling I need to compensate my parents for their emotional and financial investment in my future, because I need to gratify my own potential and the overwhelming support I've always been given.

By doing so, I've prioritised myself over everything else, because I felt it was something I had to do in my twenties. It wasn’t easy, but I wouldn’t be sitting in the Middle East on my sweeney tod if loneliness didn’t feel good and bad at the same time. Most people are scared of being lonely, but I’ve never be so scared of it, as used to it. Loneliness is something I’ve chosen over under-fulfillment for a long time, but as the novelty of professional progress wears off, here I am, just another twenty something, contemplating life, feeling just as lonely and lost as anyone.

Don’t get me wrong, loneliness has probably been one of my greatest teachers. Loneliness means you’re trying something new and challenging, and it can be immensely rewarding in the larger scheme of life. In this respect, to feel lonely is an integral component of development, because a sheltered life anchors personal development. Loneliness is necessary sometimes, and sacrifice is a double edge sword we need to understand in relation to the uniqueness to our own lives and our infinite potential.

I've come to realise there are three key ingredients in the pursuit of happiness. Self-actualisation, Love and financial stability - but sadly all three seem unable to run in joyful parallel. It always boils down to the lesser of two evils, and really that’s the crux of the matter isn't it? What are you willing to sacrifice to appease your loneliness?

That being said, for every one day of loneliness I’ve ever experienced in my twenties, I’ve probably been saved from three in the future… because I’m starting to realise what intolerable loneliness means to me. 

Presently, that equates to being in a different country from the people I love. Sitting at a table with people on their phones, and thinking that socialisation and a drinking are synonomous social norms and the be all, and end all of craic.

I don’t want to be trapped alone in the same figurative or literal room anymore – so I’m starting to make decisions  in line with the above retrospection. 

We determine the quality of our own lives, and anything that makes us feel good, couldn't possibly be bad. 

To be continued…

From Doha With Love. Always.