The Secret Life Of Adults: Fear

I started thinking about fear at 15,000 feet.

Strapped to a stranger I had met only twenty minutes previous, I teetered on the edge of oblivion with a camera man named Cupcake, and an uncontrollable smile across my face.

Up until then, everything I had been conditioned to believe conventional fear to be, was embodied in that moment. A fear of injury. A fear of heights. A fear of speed. A fear of trust. A fear of death…normal dangers which we categorically avoid.

And there I was, as happy as could be in the lead up to arguably the most dangerous experience of my life. I felt euphoric, deliriously happy, and if I could have hopped on the next plane to recreate the experience, I’d be there in a tachycardiac minute.

Judging by the above experience, I wasn’t fearful of death, so why the hell would I be fearful of life? But I was, and in many ways I remain so everyday.

The thing that scares me the most is that exhausting, everyday fear we all experience, and by all accounts, it’s just as scary if not more petrifying than jumping out of a plane. That fear is the irrational voice in the back of our heads which makes us doubt our ourselves and our unique abilities. It’s a phobia of being wrong, different or publicly embarrassed. It’s the un-nerving feeling when we’re put on the spot, or in front of a crowd, and it’s a fear of risking the average to be able to pursue the extraordinary.

Someone told me recently fear is a reflection of the things we care about, and as a confident girl who advocates bravery, non-conformity and an unapologetic sense of self, that conversation really struck a cord with the superficiality of my fears.

Although I didn’t think twice about tandem skydiving with a complete stranger, sometimes I’m anxious about what other people think. Sometimes I’m scared to pursue my ambitions and fail. Sometimes I’m petrified of moving forward with my life. Sometimes I’m terrified I’ve made the wrong choices. Sometimes I’m afraid I’m not fulfilling my potential. Sometimes I’m worried about how I look. But most of the time I’m fearful of something that does not exist and may never…

That’s because our irrational, intrinsic fear materialises as a glass ceiling we're constantly anticipating an immense collision with. Our minds ache from a tension which forecasts some sort of catastrophic event, created by the illusions of our own vivid and dubious imaginations.

But take a second to think about someone you admire. A person who is perhaps successful, or famous, or thought provoking or even inspiring. They most certainly didn’t get to where they are now by conceding to their fears.

Consider some of the all time greats. Ghandi for example wasn’t scared to challenge British oppression peacefully despite the danger to his life. Simone de Beauvoir wasn’t afraid to brandish sexism and bare her soul to the world through her writing. Steve Jobs wasn’t fearful of failure and ridicule when he dedicated his life to his creative vision….And even Kim Kardashian, a woman who arguably suffered one of the worse possible public humiliations; the publication of a sex tape, was able to turn it around and channel the fear of social indignity to shape and built an empire; becoming one of the most powerful public figures in the world.

Sylvia Plath, a woman who does in fact exist outside the misery of Leaving Cert English wrote: “We’re all victims of introspection.” I love the honesty of that statement, but I believe you’re only ever a victim if you succumb to your nonsensical internal fears and let them suffocate your day to day life and future ambitions.

Fear is always going to be a part of our decision-making processes, because it’s embedded in our brains as an effective survival technique. But outside the rare considerations of fight or flight, it’s also something we can confront far more easily than most people care to acknowledge. Once you recognise a fear out loud, I don’t think it has the same strength or capacity of consumption. It’s redundant. You can logically challenge it.

The more I write about things that scare me, the braver I feel. The more I expose the inner most workings of my mind, the more at peace I become. And if I’m courageous enough to be true and real and authentic, then I feel happier and that makes me less concerned about what everyone else thinks.

In a small way, I would like to think that encourages others and reminds me on the days I feel most self-aware and fearful that we’re all the same…because aren’t we all just camouflaging an ingrained anxiety? Wearing cool exteriors and nonchalant social media personas, when behind it all, we’re quite obviously desperately seeking status and acceptance?

Fear is an exhausting illusion.

Fortunately I find the older and more worldly I get, the closer I am to accepting the fact that yes, I will DEFINITELY be a source of my own embarrassment. I will sometimes be the subject of idle gossip. I will absolutely be wracked with nerves and fearful of the unknown, and I will be un-liked and rejected by people in the future with whom I am not universally compatible…I also choose not to let that stop me from pursuing everything I want and dream of.

Anais Nin inked a sentiment which resonates with me every day. “Had I not created my own world, I would have certainly died in someone else’s.” It doesn’t much matter in the grand scheme of things if you’re popular, or wealthy or successful or good looking. It matters that when they lay your bones in the ground, you can say you left no dream to wither unchased. The most important thing is that on the last day of your life, you're able to say you let no one and nothing stop you from being the best version of yourself.

Truthfully, life is entirely composed of so called ‘fearful’ decisions. The choice between the safe job and the career of your dreams. The choice to be in a relationship with someone, or be alone. The choice to stay where you are or move away and start again. The brave decision to make your voice and opinions heard. The freedom to truly articulate your personality. The choice of what you want to wear and who you want to love.

And you'll do well to remember that you also reserve the right to fail at some, if not all of the above. As in the words of my literary hero Ernest Hemingway:

“Every man’s life ends in the same way. Only the details of how he lived and died distinguish one man from another.”

Fear cheats you out of the best things in life. And although our fears are constantly evolving, sometimes beyond our control; there are an immeasurable set of worries which can be challenged, tackled and diminished if you’re brave enough to accept the inevitability of failure, embarrassment and heartbreak and be courageous in spite of these distresses.

Jack Kerouac wrote: “I have nothing to offer other people other than my own confusion,” and I think in the rawest sense, that’s exactly what I can provide to any one person reading this. A hopeful, relatable account of my own befuddlement and fears, because the world does not care about me. It doesn’t even care about you. And if it doesn’t care about us, then all we have to do is care about ourselves.

So I’m dedicating my life to the great challenge of overcoming fear and risking failure in spite of the red faces, dashed dreams, tears and heartbreaks which will undoubtedly follow.

But even if we're beaten, which is some instances is an inevitable fate; I hope that each of us can still steal a little victory because we smiled in the face of fear. Nothing is more essential to happiness than an infinite bravery.

From Donegal with love, always.